Mother’s Day can be a wonderful day of
celebration with your mother or as a mother, with your own children. But what if this day reminds you of the
difficult or lack of relationship you currently have or have had with your mum?
What if Mother’s Day only brings up painful
feelings for you? Below are some tips on helping you to cope and get through the day.
It’s
hard to miss the fact that we’re nearing Mother’s Day, with shops, products and
adverts all aimed at making the
day perfect with a picture of the ideal special occasion spent in the company of
our mother or as a mother with
our immediate family. There is an expectation that it is a happy time for
everyone, but for some it’s a time 'to get through' and
endure, with a longing for things to get back to the ‘normality’ of everyday.
Mother’s
Day can trigger a wide range of intense feelings, for a variety of reasons,
such as the loss and grief from a
mother’s bereavement, separation from mother due to geographical distance, parent’s
separation or breakdown
in our relationship with our mum. The day can put an intense spotlight on the
nature of our relationship
with our mum, as we all have a mother (whether a biological, adoptive or
foster mother) and we each have a relationship with our mum.
No matter
what the status of the relationship is, there is always a way in which we
relate and have feelings towards her, whether negative, positive or
indifferent.
If
the relationship is difficult, tense or conflicted, this can cause further pain
when the reality of the relationship does not live up to the idealised picture
of how a ‘mother’ should be and the role she has.
It can leave us feeling disappointed, hurt and
angry when we feel our needs for unconditional love, support and security are not
being met by the nurturing or caring mother we want or need.
Mother’s
Day can also trigger feelings and thoughts of what it is to be a mother. For
women without children, wanting children, unable to have children or those who
have grieved children, the day can be particularly difficult when
all thoughts are focused upon our role as ‘mother’ and it being linked or
associated with sad or painful experiences rather than the idealised expectations
of ‘motherhood’. It can bring feelings of failure, shame or loss at not being able to be
the mother you want or wanted to be.
If
Mother’s Day is difficult for you, give
yourself support and self-care, to help you through the day.
Here are some tips on how to cope with Mother's Day:
- Honour your feelings:
Recognise and acknowledge
your genuine feelings. All feelings are real and your experiences
are valid and important. Just because feeling sad, hurt or angry is not reflected
in the media or
ads does not make them any less real or important.
- Express feelings creatively:
By keeping a journal, writing a letter to your mother
or child, or creating a photo album/ memory box with keepsakes of
your loved one supports expression of feeling.
- Plan ahead:
Find ways to support yourself by planning what to do
on that day, such as an activity which honours
your genuine relationship and feelings. This could be visiting a shared memorable
location or
carrying
out a family tradition, if the day is about honouring a deceased loved one.
- Decide what is best for your own self-care:
If the day brings up feelings of a difficult or
painful relationship,
choose and decide what you want to do on the day itself, which is best for your
self-care, rather
than what is expected of you. Choose if or how you want to spend the time to
celebrate the day with
your mother.
- Talk
about it
:
If the day is affecting
your mood, you don’t have to keep this to yourself. Share how you feel
with your partner, family member or friend (someone who you feel safe or
comfortable talking to). You
may find this supportive and can help to lift your mood.
- Treat Yourself:
If you feel that the day
will leave you feeling left out of the celebrations, this doesn’t mean
you can’t plan fun activities for yourself. Do something indulgent – have a
warm and relaxing bath, read
a book or watch a favourite movie – something that is comforting and nurturing
for your own well-being.
- Avoid social media:
It can sometimes feel that
other people’s lives are splashed all over Facebook, Twitter,
Instagram etc and on Mother’s Day this
can be felt more acutely, as we can be overwhelmed with
seeing how other people are having the ‘perfect’ day amongst their family and
loved ones. This can lead
to comparisons between our internal feelings of loneliness, sadness or loss and
other people’s external
images of their happiness and joy, which may lead to feeling worse about our
experiences and relationship.
By limiting/avoiding social media sites, this can help to prevent the comparisons
between you and
others.
- Seek
professional help
:
Most importantly this is a time to take care
of your wellbeing and to keep yourself
safe. If the day or your relationship with your mother triggers painful
feelings, which are overwhelming
or difficult to cope with, seeking the help of a counsellor or psychotherapist
could be extremely useful
to support and help you work through your relationship.
Author: Myira Khan - Counsellor
You can catch Myira on BBC Radio Leicester's Breakfast Show on Mothering Sunday (6th March) from 7.40am, discussing Mother's Day and the difficulties the day can bring and how best to deal with it.
To listen to the show: http://bbc.in/1QRQdTE
Myira
was recently on BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour (Wednesday 2nd March
2016) discussing ‘Is it inevitable you’ll turn
into your mother?’ You can
listen again here: http://bbc.in/1LUDs9x
Myira is a qualified counsellor in
Leicester providing both face to face and online counselling through her private service:
www.myirakhancounselling.co.uk
Myira is also the Founder of the Muslim Counsellor and Psychotherapist Network
www.mcapn.co.uk
which supports counsellors (trainee and qualified) through their studies and professional career/ development, as well as working to end stigma and break down barriers around mental health and counselling within BME and Muslim communities.