Relationships: Boundaries #MHAW16

Boundaries

As mentioned in Tuesday’s blog on Relationships: Feeling Connected , a healthy relationship includes having established and respected boundaries. This means that not only are you able to put boundaries in place within the relationship but that they also maintained and respected by the other person. This is a very different experience to an unhealthy relationship, where boundaries are put in place but the other person chooses not to respect the boundary.

So what do we mean by boundaries?

A boundary is a “line that marks the edge or limit of something”. It is the distinction of ‘I’ and ‘you’ within the ‘us’ of the relationship. Without boundaries there is a blur between the two people of ‘I’ and ‘you’, with the space between them only containing ‘us’, which leads to feeling confusion, resentment, disregarded and dissatisfaction.

Boundaries provide clarity, as they distinguish between ‘I’ and ‘you’. By establishing boundaries you are living and behaving from a position of ‘I’, being clear of your ‘self’, living with congruence about who you are, your beliefs, values, passions, interests, ambitions and dreams, i.e. what you want from life and how you want to live your life. You are focusing on yourself from a place of self-care, self-respect and value.

How to set healthy boundaries:

Have self-awareness: Have an understanding of ‘I’, your likes / dislikes, your beliefs, values and interests. Knowing yourself better helps you to understand who you are in a relationship, what you are bringing to it, why you are in the relationship and what you want/ need from the relationship.

Clear communication: This is vital in any relationship as you can’t expect your partner to know what your boundaries are or for you to know theirs. It is important to start talking openly and clearly with your partner of what your boundaries are. Explain what you are able to give or do for your partner in any given situation. Talking about your boundaries is a great way to make sure that you and your partner’s needs are being met. This helps to build the safety and trust in the relationship.

Express your needs: When you relate from a position of ‘I’, you will create a greater awareness of your own needs and be able to express them clearly to your partner and visa versa. No-one is a mind-reader and neither you nor your partner should expect your own needs to be the same as each other. It is an opportunity for both of you to share a mutual understanding of both your needs and expectations in the relationship, so that chances of misunderstanding and disconnection are limited.

Speak from ‘I’: In sharing your needs and establishing / maintaining boundaries, speak from the position of ‘I’, i.e. “I need…”, “I would like…”, “I feel...”. This helps you to identify, own and express your needs without pushing the responsibility of your needs or any changes you want in the relationship onto your partner. It will also help to make your partner feel less defensive, whereas if you were to say “you need to…”, this can be felt as a criticism or accusation that your partner needs to change or that they are solely responsible for your feelings in the relationship.

When boundaries are not established and respected, the distinction between ‘I’ and ‘you’ becomes blurred.

When this happens you may:

·Become unclear of your own needs

·Become distracted or focus upon your partner and their needs

·Put your own needs secondary to your partner’s, which leads to feelings of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, isolation or depression.

·Lower your own expectations of fulfilment in the relationship

·Accept the minimum in terms of love, care, attention from your partner

·Lose focus on yourself and self-care

·Become manipulated or easily convinced to do anything for your partner and their happiness.

·Become unable to say no or set limits for yourself

·Put up with inappropriate or abusive behaviour

In these instances, there is no clarity of an ‘I’ and ‘you’ and the focus of the relationship can tip heavily into the favour of ‘you’, whereby ‘I’ and your needs and happiness become invisible.

In healthy relationships there is an equality and respect, from both partners, for ‘I’ ‘you’ and ‘us’. The tips above may help to you re-balance the partnership. You may feel that accessing professional help may help to support you in understanding yourself, your needs and your relationship.

Couples counselling may help you to understand, explore and work through any underlying issues that may be causing the miscommunication, expectations and misunderstandings in the relationship. Couples counselling would be a safe space for both of you to share your own feelings, thoughts and concerns with each other and to also hear from the other partner’s perspective of how they experience the relationship. Sharing your thoughts openly will help you to work through and resolve the underlying concerns as well as how to move the relationship forward.

Myira Khan

Award-winning Private Counsellor (Leicester and Online) www.myirakhancounselling.co.uk

Founder of the Muslim Counsellor and Psychotherapist Network (MCAPN) www.mcapn.co.uk

Mental Health Heroes Award Winner 2015