Relationships: Loneliness #MHAW16

Relationships and Loneliness

Relationships are fundamental to our well-being. The quality of our relationships, how we socially connect to our family, friends and community, is instrumental to the quality of our physical and mental health. The more we are connected to others in healthy relationships, the more healthier and happier we are and the less we suffer from mental health issues.

It is through our relationships that we develop and evolve our own sense of self/identity, our belonging in communities and be able to healthily meet our own and other people’s needs of us.

Feeling disconnected to others can lead to feelings of anxiety, despair, loneliness, depression, isolation or a downward spiral difficult to get out of, which are all a significant impact upon the state of our mental health.

A 2014 survey by the Office for National Statistics found Britain to be “the loneliness capital of Europe”, with UK residents both less likely to have strong friendships and less likely to know our neighbours, compared to other European country residents.

Although loneliness in older people has been acknowledged, it is now becoming more widely recognised that loneliness exists amongst young people. A 2010 Mental Health Foundation report found loneliness to be a greater concern to younger adults. Compared to the over 55’s generation, 18-34 year olds were more likely to feel depressed due to loneliness, more likely to feel lonely often and more likely to worry about being on their own.

With the strong link between loneliness and the impact upon our mental health, there is a great need to help ourselves in improving the quality of our relationships to better our own mental health.

Tips to overcome loneliness:

Honour your feelings: Recognise and acknowledge your loneliness and associated feelings. All feelings are real and your experiences are valid and important. Wanting to have fulfilled connections and relationships and working to achieve them is a positive and healthy way forward.

Find new connections: Accept that you want to make new friends or social circles but don’t put pressure on yourself to do so. Join local groups, where you already share an interest or attend a class that may be a new interest to you. Be open to new interests and activities and go along to experience what it is like. Meeting people and making new friends then becomes a secondary or built-in goal, as you focus on the activity or interest and how much you are enjoying being a part of the group/class.

Volunteer: Local charities, groups and services welcome volunteers and you could to volunteer for a particular charity or organisation, which you are passionate about. This will give you the opportunity to meet and connect with new people as well as helping others, which can boost your feelings of self-worth and usefulness, and reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Take care of yourself: When feeling lonely or isolated, it can be easy to blame ourselves or something on this painful or sad feeling. Instead, by giving yourself some self-care, honouring your feelings and being kind to yourself, this will help you to feel better about yourself. Do things and activities which will help you to feel good about yourself. Rest, eat healthy foods, go to the cinema/theatre/museum, join a local group which matches your interests, or go for a bike ride. Do what feels comforting and safe for you. This may also open up opportunities to meet new people, feel a part of a group or feel connected to others.

Seek professional help : Most importantly this is a time to take care of your wellbeing and to keep yourself safe. If being alone leads you to feel extremely low or anxious, or even when you are around other people, you feel a profound sense of loneliness that will not go away, seeking the help of a counsellor or psychotherapist could be extremely useful. Therapy offers you a safe, confidential place to talk with a professional about your feelings and concerns. Therapy can help you work through your problems, as well as make you more resilient and better able to cope with life’s ups and downs.

Loneliness in a relationship

There can sometimes be the assumption that we ‘shouldn’t’ feel lonely when we are in a relationship because we expect or at least hope that we would feel happy, loved and cared for when with a partner. In relationships we look for these heart-felt, meaningful and significant connections, which may be sensed as if the other person ‘gets me’ and I ‘get them’. It’s a two-way connection of being accepted, understood, respected and loved by each other. Sometimes when we feel we are busy having to juggle work, family and friend commitments, it can start to feel as if a gap appears within the relationship and both or one partner feels disconnected from the other. This in turn can feel as if we are isolated, ignored or unloved by the other and therefore leading to feeling lonely in the relationship. However once you recognise that feelings of loneliness, isolation, sadness or other hurtful feelings stem from feeling disconnected to your partner, you can then find ways to re-connect to them.

Tips on how to overcome loneliness in a relationship:

Communication: it is important to start openly talking to your partner again, to share how and why you are feeling lonely. Explain how you are feeling and what is/ is not happening in the relationship that is making you feel lonely.

Break the cycle: when you feel lonely, it may feed further loneliness, by stopping you from socialising with friends and family members and this can be a downward spiral or vicious cycle, which will only reinforce your feelings of loneliness and isolation. So take up those social invitations and spend time in the company of others, where you feel happy and connected to others.

Honour your feelings: Recognise and acknowledge your loneliness and associated feelings in the relationship. All feelings are real and your experiences are valid and important. Wanting to have a fulfilled connection with your partner and working to achieve that is a positive and healthy way forward for both of you.

Time for yourself: If you are feeling lonely in the relationship, look at how you spend your time and check if this is a contributing factor for feeling lonely. If you have a lot of free time, where you feel bored and feel you have nothing to do, this may lead to feeling lonely, wanting to spend more time with your partner to fill your time or feeling isolated in the relationship if your partner is unable to spend as much time with you as you would like. Use your free/ spare time for yourself. Keep busy working on your own goals, dreams and ambitions, which will help you to feel valued, fulfilled and good enough within yourself and therefore less lonely.

Get professional help: If you are feeling lonely and isolated in the relationship, accessing professional help may help to support you in understanding your feelings. Counselling will help you to explore your feelings and any underlying concerns you may be experiencing in the relationship, which is leading you to feel lonely. Couples counselling may help both partners to understand, explore and work through any underlying issues that may be causing the disconnection in the relationship. Couples counselling would be a safe space for both of you to share your own feelings, thoughts and concerns with each other and to also hear from the other partner’s perspective of how they experience the relationship. Sharing your thoughts openly will help you to work through and resolve the underlying concerns as well as how to move the relationship forward.

Myira Khan

Award-winning Private Counsellor (Leicester and Online) www.myirakhancounselling.co.uk

Founder of the Muslim Counsellor and Psychotherapist Network (MCAPN) www.mcapn.co.uk

Mental Health Heroes Award Winner 2015