Relationships: Communication styles

Communicating with extroverts and introverts

I’ve mentioned throughout by blogs this week that communication in relationships is important. This is so you are able to share your thoughts and feelings, establish boundaries and express your needs to create safe, secure and healthy relationships.

However our communication styles differ and misunderstanding or miscommunication can lead to disconnection between people, leaving you feeling misheard, ignored, not understood or rejected. Not a happy place to be in a relationship.

One way to help improve better communication between yourself and other people is to understand the difference in communication styles between introvert and extrovert personalities and then how to communicate more effectively to the different personality types.

Extroverts may:

-Share their energy, feelings and excitement with all those around them.

-Equally enjoy speaking to others either in one to one or group situations with ease.

-Feel re-energised by their interactions with others.

-Prefer speaking to others rather than through written communication.

-Think out loud and so reply to quickly to questions or respond quickly to events going on around them.

Introverts may:

-Share their energy, feelings and excitement with those close to them.

-Prefer to speak to people one to one.

-Feel re-energised by taking time out from social interactions and spending time in their own thoughts.

-Prefer to communicate through written modes rather than speaking out loud.

-Need time to process their thoughts first before sharing with others, and so may take time to respond to others.

How to effectively communicate to an extrovert, if you are an introvert:

oHave an awareness of an extrovert’s think out loud communication process. This doesn’t mean you need to respond directly to everything they say or that you need to respond in the same way. This is the way that extroverts process their thoughts, by talking out loud through the process.

oPay full attention and actively listen when they are talking. They need to know you are listening without judgement, so they feel safe to be able to talk out loud.

oAllow for pauses and give yourself time to process what they have said.

oBe clear and direct in what you want to say. It doesn’t need to be a think out loud process however you may wish to communicate that you are thinking or reflecting upon what has been said and how you are feeling.

oBe aware you may feel overwhelmed by how much or how quickly a person talks and it may feel as if you are being talked at rather than a two-way interaction. It is ok to jump into the conversation and voice your thoughts or feelings and to be heard yourself.

oBe aware you may feel depleted in your own energy levels after what may feel like a deep conversation. Take time for self-care, to re-charge yourself.

How to effectively communicate to an introvert, if you are an extrovert:

oHave an awareness of an introvert’s thinking first-share second communication process.

oAllow space for the introvert to process thoughts before jumping in.

oPay full attention and actively listen when they are talking. They need to know you are listening without wanting to say something and giving them the space to process the conversation.

oTake time in the conversation to explore the topic, rather than asking lots of questions ask one question and let them process the question and respond.

oYou may wish to communicate via written notes, emails and texts, as a way to share your feelings and thoughts with them.

oPick an appropriate time to have ‘deeper’ or serious conversations, as this will drain them. If they are already tired at the end of a long or difficult day, they will only become more exhausted during the conversation, which may lead them to shut down and not talk at all.

The points above are not to see others as one-dimensional or defining people just under the extrovert- introvert dimension, but as tips to help you to understand and communicate more effectively with others, if you feel that your communication styles differ, which will hopefully lead you to having closer and healthier relationships.

Myira Khan

Award-winning Private Counsellor (Leicester and Online) www.myirakhancounselling.co.uk

Founder of the Muslim Counsellor and Psychotherapist Network (MCAPN) www.mcapn.co.uk

Mental Health Heroes Award Winner 2015